Into the Darkness to Find the Light


Note: This post was written on December 8, published on December 26, 2017.

It has been just a week since a severe fall resulted in my fractured leg, and, in between resting and nursing my injury, I have spent the past seven days deconstructing this event and just what messages I am to receive from it. There is no doubt in my mind that the universe has conspired to teach me something; that I attracted this event; that if I accept that there are lessons to learn here, I will.

For the moment, I’m going to focus on the lesson of self-care. I believe that the universe delivered me this injury in order that I might fully embrace my own self-care in a new way.

I have been saying for some years now that women, particularly mothers and wives, need to be fierce about their self-care. I have been committed to this belief, making time to exercise, see holistic doctors and healers, meditate, eat well, spend time with friends, participate in activities I enjoy, and surround myself with beauty.

But in recent months, despite all of my efforts, I have been feeling tired and anxious and in need of another kind of healing. I couldn’t, however, pinpoint what exactly I needed, and frankly, even if I could have done so, I wasn’t likely to make time to deliver it to myself.

I have felt guilty in recent weeks, feeling overwhelmed with being a single parent, managing our busy schedule, and just attending to daily life. It occurred to me recently that perhaps the years of chaos surrounding my contentious divorce and ongoing custody battle with my ex-husband have overloaded my system to the extent that I am emotionally parched and crave to be quenched with peace and calm and organization. I have felt like my whole being becomes overloaded more quickly than it should, and I sometimes interpret even the normal noise of the everyday as an unbearable din. I love being with my children and I enthusiastically support and participate in all of their wonderful activities, but my soul has been crying out, “I need to heal; I need quiet and contemplation.”

In fact, I stated this exactly to my energy healer just hours before I had my accident.
And so this is what I wanted to say about my self-care routine today. Because this injury has me largely immobile, unable to climb stairs, drive, or do anything quickly, my three children are spending at least the next couple of weeks with my parents. On the one hand, I feel incredibly guilty that I can’t care for them and I miss them terribly. But, then I saw this as an opportunity. I have been energetically telling the universe (even though I didn’t quite realize it), I need quiet time to think and emotionally heal. I have been discerning that the loop that has become my life is too stressed, full of “shoulds,” and has left me exhausted, unable to sleep, and dull in ways I don’t want to be.

My dedication to self-care now has me more fierce than ever about convalescing spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Yes, I miss my children. Yes, I am going to have to reconfigure Christmas a bit. No, I am not going to attend some of the Christmas events and I will not be supermom at school Christmas parties. But you know what? It’s okay. I’m actually fine.

I am accepting this Divine invitation, which I know comes from Source and meant for my expansion as a human and a spirit. My immobile leg, my inability to multi-task and move quickly—this is all part of the “as is.”
The truth is that I know had this not happened to me, I would not have slowed down enough to truly embody and digest all of these messages.

In the past week, I have truly integrated that lesson that the universe is constantly conspiring to teach me—to teach all of us—so many rich lessons and to deliver us what we truly, authentically need.

Not only is Mercury in retrograde in Sagittarius (my sign), but, as Kari Samuels has said, this December is a time for slowing things down. We think we are meant to be busy this month, preparing for the holidays and celebrations, but in fact, this December, the business of 2017 is dramatically shifting downwards, inspiring us to look inwards, assess our values and intentions at the end of the year, and prepare for the integration of lessons we will experience in 2018.

In addition, it’s Christmas, and this season has much to teach us. For Christians, Advent is a time of darkness, waiting patiently, excitedly, and with great hope for the Light of the World, the Christ child, to arrive. Regardless of our religious beliefs, here is the even bigger message (and you don’t need to be religious to understand and integrate them). Just as Jesus comes to light the way, so are our souls called to do the same. Jesus symbolizes and epitomizes the Divine, but if we believe that we, too, embody Divine, are one with the universe, then this time of year invites us into greater awareness and acceptance of our worth and constant connectedness to universal truth.

Just as the babe in the manger, our souls can also be born again in a new way. And it gets better. According to teacher, psychologist, spiritual director, and writer, Alexander Shaia, God did not send Jesus to teach something entirely new to the world; He arrived as a revelation of what was already a universal truth: that spirit and form have always co-existed. And this is what spiritual teachers are speaking of so often today. Life is defined by non-duality; the form and the formless are in a continual Divine Grace-filled dance.

This, I believe, is the universe’s message for me: I am to slow down, look inward, breathe deeply, and think broadly. I am to find comfort in the quiet and darkness of my home. I am to accept that although being busy gives me purpose and a sense of control, at the moment, this is not for me. I am not to be busy; I am to wait, to learn, to accept. My intention is that as I do so, I will not only heal my body and spirit, but I will also have a greater understanding of who and how I am meant to be in the world. Because I know I am one with the Divine, I trust that I am in flow, and the universe is conspiring for my expansion.


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