I wanted to share this, as a testament to evolving our consciousness and manifesting more of what we need and desire in life.
As I have shared here in the past, my relationship with my ex-husband has been contentious, filled with court battles, abusive language, and just plain misery for everyone involved.
Nearly every time I send a “grey rock” email regarding our children or something very mundane and black and white, I receive a narcissistic rant in return, with him “shouting” at me, blaming me, calling me a liar, etc. You get the picture.
Thanks to the beautiful mind-body communities that are teaching me, and in addition to much of the work I’ve done on myself and with my children in the past few years, I have this year finally been able to truly shift my consciousness and outlook on all of this.
Instead of his tone pulling me into fight-or-flight or causing me to feel anxiety or inciting my own anger and resentment, I am now working on fully embodying my clarity about each situation, assessing my values, and holding neutrality and equanimity.
I send emails about the children, activities, etc. and then let them go. I have no attachment to his response or how he responds. If I am clear and remain true to my integrity, I cannot be shifted and moved into drama or reactivity.
Several things have occurred this week to affirm my position on all of this, but here’s a quick example.
According to our new custody agreement, we both are required to inform the other about any activities the children are engaged in, even if we are not directly affected by schedules, etc. Everything around the children’s activities has been extremely contentious for years.
Anyway, at the last minute, my girls decided to take Irish dance at school. They have been undecided for weeks, but at the last minute decided to attend the first session on Thursday. I didn’t tell my ex, as I just didn’t have the time that day to compose an email.
Wouldn’t you know, that night when he called, my oldest told him excitedly that she had danced that afternoon and then my other daughter did the same. I could hear them responding to his questions about the class, and all the while I was becoming more and more anxious. I just knew he was going to criticize me for not informing him, and I was pissed at myself that I didn’t get to that email in time.
As soon as the children hung up, I sent him the email, explaining the details about the class, etc.
Later that night, he emailed me back. I was tired and worried about his response, so I chose not to read it right away.
The next morning, I knew I had to face it. As I contemplated opening the email, I thought, “Oh, geez, I really don’t want to be slammed right now. I just know he’s going to take this badly.” And then, at lightening speed (or however fast our thoughts flit from one to another), I thought, “Wait, what if his response isn’t angry? I expect it to be angry, because he usually is irritated with me, but who’s to say this one won’t be different? Perhaps it will be. But even if it isn’t, who cares? I can take it. I will flow through it and manage it.”
So I opened the email and this is essentially what it said: “I’m so glad they are dancing! Does Sean want to as well?” And here’s the other change. My previously unconscious self would have thought, “Oh, thank goodness! He’s not mad at me!” And I would have felt relief, the kind we feel when swerve so as not to hit a car or a squirrel on the road.
But, no. My first thought, funnily enough, was, “Huh. That’s interesting. Who is this imposter and what did you do with my ex?” My second was, “Well, this is a nice surprise.” And then I went on with my morning. I wasn’t phased really at all, except that I did smile at the possibility that my renewed consciousness and detachment might have somehow manifested this outcome. Perhaps he felt my energetic shift. Or maybe I just was what it was.
Whatever the case, I know this for sure. The outcome of this interaction began and ended with me–my clarity, integrity, and neutrality. Freedom is my highest value, and I know that my detachment and ability to remain the observer in every experience in my life keeps me free.